How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
