just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
This is classic penis vs brain.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
