I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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