hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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