there's paper in my vomit.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
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