So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
last night I used snow as a chaser
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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