Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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