It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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