okay pat passed out under dana's car
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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