I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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