I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
