The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
