wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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