in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
