I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
