I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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