My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
