Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
