He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
