WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
It's official drugs can't kill me
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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