I CAN MOONWALK!
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Fuck appropriateness.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
