I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
