She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I am naked and annoyed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
My life is pants optional.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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