and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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