Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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