if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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