I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
