My Higher Power is John Stamos
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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