his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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