You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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