i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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