I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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