oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
