Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
