I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
