If i could tip my vagina, i would.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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