The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
