i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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