U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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