tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
your like the ambassador to my penis.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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