You can't special order awesome
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
bring money and cleavage
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Less talking, more tequila
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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