We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
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He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
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"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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