Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
