dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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