that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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