If i come over, it means nothing
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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