i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
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I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
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