They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
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you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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