he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
