I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
