Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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