I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
