theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
