i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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