Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I got her a Nickelback box set.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
is that a dick in a sweater?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
