I don't remember. Are we still dating?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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