i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
